I went to Disneyland yesterday with JenStar and have the following opinions.

I am awesome at Buzz Lightyear Space Command Adventure.

I had a rocky start as you can see in the first picture below, but then check out my monumental score when I pulled off my beany and got serious with my seriously awesome new hair style (that includes face hair).

163,000 points = Level 4 Space Scout.

Pirates of the Caribean: The Ride has sold out.

In the first version of Pirates of the Caribean: The Ride, there was only one part that bugged me. Near the end of the beginning, when you’re still cruising next to the Blue Bayou restaurant, there’s a dude sitting out on a rocking chair with some banjo playing going on as you come closer. However, he’s not holding a banjo. I’ve come to the conclusion that he’s gay and there’s another guy inside his crappy little mud shack actually playing a banjo.

Then I think, that’s a hell of a statement for Disneyland to be making. There’s only one animatronic representation of swamp hilbillies in all of the Pirates ride — and he’s gay. Are they saying 100% of swamp hilbillies are gay? I don’t know.

They redesigned it and fucked it up with Pirates chasing plates of food around — that bugs; and now they’ve gone and fucked with it again by putting a bunch of Pirates of the Caribean: The Movie shit all over the place in about the most ham-fisted ways possible. Here’s an example.

Old Ride:

Ship Pirates: Surrender, you lilly livered lubbers!…
Fort Guys: We will never surrender!

New Ride:

Ship Pirates: Surrender Jack Sparrow to us!
Fort Guys: We will never surrender!

I guess the guys who thought that up got their imagineering degrees from an infomercial.

Actually, the new Jack Sparrow animatrons are pretty cool. It looks and acts exactly like Johnny Depp (unlike the Indiana Jones ones who looks and acts like Russel from Grace Under Fire — that guy from the Molson commercials) especially when surrounded by a bunch of crappier old robots from 1970. It’s still half-assed though.

You can still sneak booze into Disneyland.

I didn’t see any metal detectors. Not like at Magic Mountain anyway. And the only dog I saw at the whole park was surrounded by a dozen kids with their filthy, sticky hands all over it. What’s the matter kids? You’ve never seen a fucking dog before? Jesus, control yourselves. If you want to bring a flask into the park, I think you’ll be fine.